Jane Kerrison

One step forward, two steps back – that really could be the fibromyalgia motto. That is certainly how I feel right now, and was also what my acupuncturist said about me today. As is often the case with fibromyalgia, even though I’ve made a lot of positive progress, when I am not feeling well, I very quickly lose those benefits. Living with fibromyalgia means living with the knowledge that you are constantly going to be hitting low points and trying to pick up the pieces.

My system was all messed up from those allergic reactions I had the other day, and apparently I am also really stressed. The massage therapy I had on my upper back today was more like torture than therapy; it hurt so much! The weather is of the type that gives me migraines, and so I’m hiding from the air pressure in the safety of my basement. However, I still have a decent headache.

I don’t know if it’s because of the headache or what, but I’m just feeling really flustered and upset right now. I’ve been trying so hard to make positive changes in my life, but suddenly I feel like my movement towards these changes has left me without solid footing.

Additionally, my friends who are graduating earlier than me have infected me with their stress about the future, which is a worry that I seem to have to work constantly to keep under control. Living with fibromyalgia presents a series of realities and difficulties that can make working a regular job difficult or impossible. I know that for what I need to do to keep my health under control, I can’t have a 9-5 job; I simply don’t have enough stamina to work those kind of hours, not to mention the fact that there is little to no guarantee that I would be healthy enough to attend work five days a week.

So what do I do? Hopefully something freelance or with flexible hours, because goodness knows that unless I become J.K. Rowling, it is unlikely that I will be able to support myself with just my writing. I like to think that I will figure something out, but the thing is that the less well I feel physically, the less able I am to focus on the positive, or to recognize that I have what I need to successfully navigate the future. While I know that I can make what I want happen, at this moment it is hard not to focus on how difficult it can be to get what I want out of life. Living with fibromyalgia means that sometimes I expend more effort physically getting my body out of bed in the morning, than some people do all day; the trick is getting up anyway and not resenting the difficulty of this task.

The reason I am more focused on the physical and emotional difficulties (here I mainly mean stress, stress, stress) is that I haven’t been able to do yoga for the past few days due to my inclement stomach. Yoga really has helped me to feel less pain, and without it, I am having trouble keeping stress and pain under control. Overall, it’s taking a huge and repeated effort to remind myself to put things in perspective.

Maybe this overwhelmed feeling will pass with the weather… at least I have some good books and movies to help me wait out the storm.