Honesty
Lately I’ve been avoiding this blog like the plague. Here’s why (as far as I can figure out): I started this blog with the hopes of illuminating the day to day struggles of living with fibromyalgia. The only problem with this plan was that it meant that I too had to acknowledge all of the struggles. It may seem strange to suggest that I don’t always realize how difficult it is to live with chronic illness, but part of the way that I’ve learned to cope is by distracting myself from the pain and other symptoms.
Chronicling the past few months has really emphasized to me the up and down pattern of chronic illness. Namely, I’m doing great, then I hit a rough patch, then I slowly try to rebuild. This pattern repeats over and over. I knew that this pattern existed, but lately I’ve been frustrated, and I found myself angered by the need to constantly piece things back together.
I’ve got through a lot of rough spots by distracting myself by whatever means necessary. I’ve also spent a great deal of time convincing myself and others that I’m doing okay (when I’m not). As hard as it is for me to be totally honest about all that I am feeling, I am going to try to be as honest as possible about my experiences. I hope that people can understand that while I suffer sometimes (or a lot of the time) I keep going. Also, telling you how crappy I’ve been feeling lately means that you can be happy with me when I start to feel better :P
Here’s some of what I wrote in my journal the past few days:
October 12: My struggle over the next while is going to be staying healthy and grounded while being busier than I have been in years. There are more demands on my time than ever before, and I need to make sure I stay as balanced as possible. I’m aware that my fibromyalgia symptoms have increased as of late. I think (hope) it is mostly due to the changing of the seasons.
October 16: I’m worried about the possibility that I have endometriosis. Basically either everything is fine and I’m some kind of hypochondriac who is going to waste time and money, or there is a serious problem. While I don’t want to deal with the consequences of something like endometriosis, living with it untreated is worse.
If I’m being honest, I really want there to be something wrong because then maybe it can be fixed. Half of me is terrified that the pain of last time will come back, but the other half (or maybe even more) fears what it will mean if it doesn’t. Without signs of something wrong, I cannot be treated.
Ever since I went to that stupid allergist, I am wracked with guilt and fear of being some sort of hypochondriac who wastes doctors’ time. Honestly, the way that woman looked at me. She said it was impossible for someone to live with an allergy for years and not notice. Clearly she has no idea what I live with.
hugs. love you!